Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
