when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
