Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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