yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
