I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
