it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
