i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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