i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
