I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize