We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
