Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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