i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
my liver is dry heaving
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
