what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think I am morally bankrupt
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
