what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
