You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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