The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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