im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
