I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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