Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
