You're my little dorito
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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