i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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