I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
