this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
