Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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