i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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