Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize