I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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