seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
