I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
