homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
