Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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