At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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