Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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