My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
