If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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