Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
