when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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