If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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