my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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