I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
