I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
