oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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