I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize