i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
