I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
