my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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