so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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