sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
