ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
