thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
