So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
