From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
