I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
