I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
