i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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