you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
