Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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