New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I did not marry a roomba.
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