Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
