i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize