the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
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