youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My feet surprised me
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
